i sometimes wonder who will make it to the end. seems like summer is the time for transition. and especially for people my age, never expect things to stay the same for very long i'm not exactly sure how people do it: you want to make the best for yourself, the best job, the best friends. but the more you invest in one, the more it seems you neglect the others. e.g., how can you focus on your career without leaving someone behind? how can you spend time with your friends without taking time from work? how can something get better by staying still? i dont think it's possible right now. so you almost just pick one and run with it, hoping that everything else can keep up. and you'll hit some equilibrium at some point, knowing that if you try to change it up, you should expect everything to start falling apart. chaos. but of course, that's life: change. so all you can do is keep running with it as far as possible and hope that when you look around, something will still be familiar to you. when you do make the almost black and white decision, it's easy to pick out other people. who has or who has not. who will and who will never. who can and cannot keep up. and sometimes you'll feel better about yourself. but you'll always be disappointed already knowing the outcome. so i've been getting distracted lately. and i usually hate being distracted. but lately, i feel that maybe being distracted from a bad thing is actually good.

obviously i had a little extra time this weekend, so i was determined to maybe find out what people were wearing nowadays and walked around old town pasadena determined to perhaps pick up a few items to refresh my wardrobe. to stay hip. to stay young. but son of a bitch i actually couldn't find anything i liked. but of course, money, fame and material things dont really matter all that much without anyone good to share it with.

it might be because of summer setting in, people out and about enjoying life when the difference between feeling good and feeling bad could be simply walking outside, but things have become... somewhat empty. and when i think of everything i want to buy, i realize it all doesn't really matter. it seems i've been living for myself lately, and soon i'll be living by myself. and when you live like that, no matter what you do and what you achieve, in the end you're just by yourself. and it will just... suck.

it's amazing that a person can live in this world of 5+ billion people, cities with millions of people, buildings with hundreds of people, walk by dozens of people on the street, be crammed so close to people that you might as well be playing twister, and still be lonely. and yet give them a couple good friends, and they're completely content. give them a smile. a laugh. a glance. a voice. and suddenly everything isn't so bad. even a :) sometimes will work...

- Quarter Life Crisis

""They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and they aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

If you want the rainbow you got to put up with the rain.""


i posted this up before maybe a year ago, because i knew it was going to happen to me; i just didnt know when. after i landed my job, just when i thought all those father-to-son talks were over, my dad started talking to me personally again. everyday for the past week to be exact. this time, his talks were longer and he was more harsh on me. he basically said i shouldnt have gotten that job because i am dumb, i dont have the knowledge, the experience, and if i dont become smarter, i was gonna fail. but i know hes just saying that so i can disprove him (haha gotta love asian parents). so i began to compile everything he said in the past, and it reminded me of the passage above. he didnt want me to learn the hard way and go through all that bullshit. but i did. for the past couple months, it became reality. i was living it. its that point in life where i had to make hard decisions and sacrifices that could affect me in the long run or else i would be stuck in a deep hole. right now i feel like im still in that hole, but im slowly climbing out of it. things are getting clearer and much more in perspective. i feel i have accomplished a huge step in my 26 years, but at the same time, i feel like i lost a chunk of social freedom i once had. sometimes i feel like i always have bad luck strapped onto me, because everytime i accomplish something big, i also lose something that means a lot to me. i tell myself its something everyone deals with because success comes with opportunity costs. but its nothing that i couldnt regain later on.